The Plight of Air Travel (And How to Survive It)

"Fresh" off a traumatic holiday travel season, plenty of flyers are reflecting on airlines' latest nose-dive. After my own prolonged customer service experience ( albeit an entertaining one) I reflected on air travel's idyllic past, its debilitated present, and what basic steps can be taken to navigate its seemingly nightmarish future.

by GABRIEL HUNTTING

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It's the day before Christmas, and I'm stuck on the phone with a particularly unique Delta customer service representative. In all of the hours of conversation I've spent over the years with airline employees and booking specialists, few calls have ever eclipsed the sixty-minute mark and none have ever been this entertaining, even if my patience is about to run out with the flight voucher I've been trying to redeem.

No right-minded individual should ever spend this much time on the phone with an airline representative, but to claim my extended conversation with Doris — a long-winded, semi-retired snowbird from New York, now happily residing in Land O’ Lakes, Florida — has been a total waste of time would be untruthful. For if not for our meandering, illuminating, and somewhat entertaining conversation, I'm not sure if I would have felt compelled to write this article, let alone dedicate it to her.

My connection with Doris began to blossom during the awkward, extended pauses between reciting booking numbers and email addresses. Less fortunate, more time-restrained callers may only have heard the distant click-clacking of a keyboard or a generic Christmas jingle on loop, but I was being treated with a heavy dose of Doris, and as we strung together a conversation’s worth of small talk and storytelling, what should have been a routine customer service consultation was becoming anything but.

In exhausting detail, Doris kicks things off tangent by describing the frigid, fateful day that led her to a crossroads; a defining moment in her life — and one shared by nearly every aging New Yorker — when the insanity of NYC reached its peak and greener, swampier pastures came a calling. She and her husband, Leonard, were still living in the city at the time and Doris was at her ends.

She reenacts the final confrontation she and Leonard had over the matter in a way that makes her sound especially bold and persuasive, giving me the impression I wasn't her first audience — or Delta customer, for that matter. After some back and forth with Leonard, Doris finally lays down the hammer with one powerful, life-altering word delivered in two, earth-shaking syllables: "Eee-Nuff!"

At just like that, in a fashion not dissimilar to Moses exiting Egypt, Doris's exodus to Florida had become official. “We’re evah, evah doing this cold AGAIN,” she continues, still fully possessed by the story. I realize she's speaking to me as if I'm Leonard, the faithful, loving, stubborn man who should've agreed to make Florida full-time thing, no matter what reptile, hurricane, or republican governor may await us.

Before she can recast me as her husband in another domestic flashback, I congratulate Doris on her move and welcome her to the Florida Gulf Coast with some light-hearted, sunshine state advice fit for a postcard: how to runaway from an alligator. Doris gasps at the sound of the word alligator, and suddenly she's back at it, diving head-first into the latest drama (and trauma) to hit her retirement community.

Tragedy struck when Doris's neighbor Francis left for a normal morning walk with a dog and a leash, but returned with only the latter. According to Doris, if Francis had listened to “just one” of her daily warnings, Peppermint, Francis's bite-sized miniature Yorkie, might still be alive today.

“I wahrned her.” Doris says, pausing for a moment as she mourns for Peppermint. “But ya can’t fix stupid... And that poor Peppah — she was a meal waiting to happen.”

As it suddenly dawns on us it's almost lunchtime, Doris apologizes for getting so caught up in conversation and returns to her normal call script, confirming my flight booking and reciting Delta’s holiday travel advisory spiel: an exhaustive warning to expect potential delays, flight cancellations, limited customer service and every other imaginable nightmare before — and after — Christmas.

When she's done, I assure her I'm well-equipped for stressful travel. She assures me I’d absolutely love her granddaughter. And just as it seems we might be approaching the finish line, Doris veers off the home stretch for one last verbal pit stop.

"Back then, she insists, when air travel was still a novelty and customer service the utmost priority, the “travesty” of what we know and expect today “nevah, evah would have been tohlerated.”

In her stirring finale, Doris confesses her frustration with the current state of air travel; an experience that even she, a proud Delta customer service representative, can barely navigate on her own; a product of a landscape so hopeless that its compromised her ability to help most of her guests. Overcome with nostalgia, she describes an almost fairy tale era when air travel was still a novelty, customer service the utmost priority, and the “travesty” of what we endure today “nevah, evah would have been tohlerated.” Like a grandson would console a grandparent, I assure her I'll be ok. This deprived, grueling climate is all I’ve ever known, Doris, and although I do not share her glimmering, exciting memories of the past, what I do have is a particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career in hospitality and travel that allow me to navigate the ordeal, and could even benefit travelers like her.

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If sage travelers like Doris are to be believed, there once existed a time when air travel wasn’t such a deplorable mess...

Airports were modern, decadent gateways to fantastic, far away lands… Pilots were revered, decorated captains of the sky, donning uniforms adorned in golden detail and an aura of gallant celebrity… Flight crews were hopeful, lively and hospitable, exhilarated by a career untethered from the bounds of normalcy 30,000 feet below… And as aeronautics revolutionized global leisure, commercial passengers costumed themselves for take-off, climbing into a newly defined class of world travelers, and ascending beyond the clouds to wine and dine in heavenly luxury...

(End scene.)

With all due respect to Doris, was flying ever that good? In today’s travel landscape, where the last vestiges of exceptional service are reserved solely for those with weighty credit cards and bloated bank accounts, the quality of economy class air travel has deteriorated from its unraveling “travel and leisure” classification into a service process more akin to flat-rate shipping and receiving.

And for those of us too young to have experienced anything resemblant to the dwindling recollections regaled by aging generations, this seemingly golden age of air travel, a time Doris remembered so fondly and vividly, exists only in a collective imagination fabricated by pop cultural nostalgia and Hollywood vignettes — like the scene from Catch Me if You Can where Leo Dicaprio, disguised as 1960’s Pan Am pilot, parades a spritely swarm of pastel flight attendants through Miami International Airport to the tune of “Come Fly With Me” by Frank Sinatra.

Even if the romanticized, big screen portrayals of air travel in its glory days skew more towards hyperbole, there has still been such a precipitous plunge in quality during the decades since that it causes even me, a thirty-something Millennial, to second-guess my own early memories of commercial flight as recent as the 90’s and aughts — did we always pay extra for baggage check? Didn’t all the armrests move? Weren’t these peanuts honey roasted? — let alone the validity of any rumored industry standard said to have existed prior to the Reagan administration.

And though much of the airline industry's more recent transgressions can be blamed on COVID-related fallout, it’s important to remember just how miserable the air travel experience had already become prior to the pandemic. Back then, without any public safety measures to absorb the brunt of the blame, only the airlines themselves could be held responsible for facilitating a process that was, at its best, a digestible inconvenience. In the not-so-distant past, back when non-weather delays were rare and cancellations were rarer, as long as we could auction our loyalty to lowest bidder and snag a cheap, last second ticket to just about anywhere, swallowing the deplorability of it all didn’t seem as... deplorable. But now, with staff shortages stifling airport operations, crew deficits and pilot strikes delaying take-offs, and slashed airline routes ballooning ticket prices beyond financial reason at an already unreasonable time, the current catastrophe of air travel has devolved into a state so intolerable that even Delta Doris has a tough time getting on board.

"Deplorable travel is all we have, folks. We cannot avoid it, but with a little ingenuity, a dash of discipline, and an eye for opportunistic disobedience, you can definitely survive it. "

Air travel sucks — you get it — but what other options do we have?

Perhaps someday an unforeseeable force of disruption — a “Boring” subterranean railway, a Delorean fit with a plutonium-free flux capacitor, or maybe another pandemic-level “iceberg” looming on the horizon — will persuade commercial aviation’s titanic oligopoly to restore some semblance of quality to our voyage before the larger vessel capsizes.

But until that day arrives, daydreaming of an improved long-distance commute will do none of us any good. In fact, it’s likely that at this very moment many of you are being booted off flights, rerouted through Antarctica, and reassigned to middle-seats, as you brave the twisted itinerary navigating your hellish post-holiday fate.

There is no room left for grace air travel, folks — only tenacious, unrelenting grit. And just as body-armored drifter steps onto the blood-soaked sands of Tina Turner’s Thunderdome, or a stoic gladiator proceeds into the gruesome theater of the Colosseum, the only way to best the system this holiday season is by rehearsed, tactical methods and mortal commitment to survival.

Fortunately for you, Doris and Leonard needed my help, and with enough full-time flying under my seat belt, I felt I was somewhat qualified to offer it. While my instructions do not include hacks for free flights or universal wifi passwords, they do provide some simple steps I’ve used to lessen the madness and reduce some of the irreparable damage dealt by the slog of air travel. Some tips are intuitive, others unorthodox, but none are without merit.

Deplorable travel is all we have, folks. And the sooner that you and every other courageous, delirious traveler accept this awful truth, the better prepared you’ll be to handle it. We cannot avoid the unavoidable, but with a little ingenuity, a dash of discipline, and an eye for opportunistic disobedience, you can definitely survive it.

In fact, while others scramble and flounder through their commute, I often find a strange sense of peace in my long-rehearsed process. Hopefully my insight will do the same for you. Am I unwell for finding calmness in the traumatic march of the air travel transient? Absolutely. But although I cannot guarantee the integrity of my sanity, my intentions are well intact. Most of all, consider that I, a practitioner of these methods, write you not from the halls of Valhalla, but from the vibey, live-work lobby bar of a boutique hotel located in the very city where Delta Doris's ticket delivered me. My own proof of life and theory should at least stoke courage within your desperate post-holiday spirit and assure you there is still hope — and maybe a cold beer — waiting for you on the other side of your next air travel debacle.

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First, we must deprogram your poor travel habits, replacing them, instead, with logical steps of preparation and keenly refined muscle-memory. Your mission is to prepare appropriately, check each box, and advance towards your final destination, anticipating and confronting every potential obstacle with fluidity and tact.

Like a cold-blooded, TSA-trained mercenary, you will eventually operate with minimal thought and maximum efficiency, but functionality first begins long before your Uber drops you off at Departures (or Arrivals, if you really want to show off).

Therefore, your first indispensable tool for travel is your packing technique. The way in which you pack should be so regimented that the moment a check-in notification pops up on your phone, or as soon as you receive an email from your airline pushing a rental car discount, you will activate like a Manchurian candidate whose singular focus is organize your travel belongings with the utmost efficiency.

Here’s a simple rule of thumb: if you’re over the age of twenty-two, you should be using packing squares. If this concept perplexes you, or if you consider packing squares a nerdy novelty, you’re already a liability to yourself and others. Packing squares save space, keep you organized, and reduce the blast radius of your luggage at every stop on your trip. Also, the technique of rolling your clothing into squares will immediately save space and help you pack better. Snag some squares from Amazon, watch a quick Youtube video to learn how to use them, and after a few trips under your belt you’ll wonder how you ever traveled without them.

As for toiletries, unless you’re smuggling holy water in the Cup of Christ, no miracle product in any large container — or aerosol can, for that matter — is worth the money you throw away when you check your bag because of them.

Invest in a set of travel containers for anything liquid, and purchase a set of miniature spray bottles for perfume or cologne. If you think you need to pack more than 100ml of your favorite fragrance, allow me to conduct a brief intervention:

You, my fragrant friend, are the flammable item that is not permitted on your flight, and you, my pungent pal, are a hazard to all of those around you. Spritz your scents into your to-go bottles, keep deodorant handy in-transit, and save the good stuff for open-air settings after you exit the airplane. If, however, you’re leaving for a really long trip, and you simply must have something larger to make you smell (and feel) better, make it easy on yourself with a quick stop for something exotic — and at a tax-free discount — at Duty Free.

Unless you’re moving somewhere permanently, any suitcase larger than an approved carry-on is excessive. For the amount of money you’re wasting to check a suitcase so you can add a few extra square inches of packing space, pay a qualified therapist to help you unpack the psychological disorder possessing you to bring your life with you everywhere you go.

If this is a deal breaker and you cannot imagine traveling without your favorite shipping container, you should at least sign into your airline’s app and check for seating availability on the day of your flight. If it’s full, your airline will likely offer complimentary, at-gate baggage check before you board. In my own experience, this simple yet effective tactic works more often than not, and you’ll never worry about paying for a service most airlines provide for free.

Overpacking could also be an indication that your ‘personal item’ is too small. The basic concept here is to always travel with the maximum-sized bag or backpack that will fit under the seat in front of you. If your current bag fits under the seat in front of you with room to spare, go bigger. As long as you can wear your personal item somewhat comfortably without looking like an urban sherpa, no flustered, overwhelmed gate attendant will stop or hassle you before you board.

More so, as the imaginary line between travelers’ rights and airline totalitarianism evaporated long ago with the Billions in pandemic bailouts that airlines blundered away, you should harbor no shame in pushing the limits of what you can carry on board. You, the American taxpayer, have already paid a lifetime’s worth of baggage allowance, so use it.

"... stop placing so much blind trust in the mysterious cabal of bag handlers dwelling beyond the dark flaps of the conveyor belt, chucking the fate of your vacation around like an understaffed waste management service."

To be clear: the focus of these luggage guidelines is to escape from the farce of convenience you've been conditioned to associate with paying for baggage check. By strictly traveling with carry-ons, on the front end of your trip you can immediately proceed from your Uber to security. On the back end, you’ll never again huddle around a screeching bag carousel while the rate of your rideshare rises faster than inflation. Not only will baggage claims recede into only your memory like a long-forgotten nightmare, if you travel internationally, you’ll also mitigate the risk and potentially severe consequences of negligent airlines losing your belongings.

Think of it this way: would you trust your car to a budget company’s ragged team of overworked, underpaid valets?

Your suitcase may not be a Mercedes, but when you’re en route to a much-needed vacation with only what you need, any potential accident that could damage your belongings or dispossess you of them entirely would be devastating. So, take the wheel, travel defensively, and stop placing so much blind trust in the mysterious cabal of bag handlers dwelling beyond the dark flaps of the conveyor belt, chucking the fate of your vacation around like an understaffed waste management service.

If you still haven’t obtained pre-check status to expedite security, I insist that you take a moment from reading, send an apology text to anyone you’ve traveled with that did have it, consider adding them to your will for all the time you've cost them, and then finally apply for the most no-brainer travel hack that exists today.

Unless you’re moving contraband like a 70’s drug mule, sending the TSA your personal information ahead of time has zero downside. Airports are currently operating at a massive labor deficit, which has decreased the number of security check-points available to travelers and increased the length of most security lines. Not only will services like TSA pre-check, Global Entry, or Clear save you when you’re running late, with so many travel credit cards now offering to cover your application costs, acquiring expedited status has never been simpler or more affordable.

If, however, you still harbor any apprehension, allow this bit of truth to quell your paranoia: as every bit of your data has already been sold to far more sinister entities without your consent or benefit, so even the most nefarious commuter, background checks ain’t exactly what they used to be.

Now that you can skip the general line, be sure to gaze upon all the poor souls trapped in the general security, and bask in the sweet affirmation of your initiative. But even with all the stress and trouble you’ve already relieved yourself, don’t allow any petty gloating to distract you from your next important task.

No matter what the circumstance or occasion, you should always dress for air travel with the intention of being as lean as humanly possible. That way, when you finally arrive at the security check, you will have already done all the work and prep required to operate with the calm, focused mindset of a seasoned NASCAR pit crew.

"... lift your belongings in stride and advance towards the Disneyland portion of your journey, where food and drink are twice the price, artificial pleasantness is rampant, and nearly every paying customer is teetering between vacation-inspired release and a full-on mental breakdown."

Aside from your carry-ons and the clothes on your back, the only items you should have in hand are your ID and your phone (with your boarding pass). Anything else — anything else — should be inside your luggage, including: watches, jewelry, and every other fun little item frequenting your front and back pockets.

I wholeheartedly encourage travelers to jet-set with an elevated sense of style — but not before security. You can always adorn, bedazzle and drip to your heart's desire after the metal detectors, so save your hardware for after the security finish line. Who knows, maybe if we all take a few logical steps in the security process, we can finally retire those miniature jewelry trays — the ones that look like decrepit dog bowls from an underfunded kennel — for good.

If you’d like to save even more time off security, do a little homework by revisiting this scene from the movie Up in the Air for a tried and true (albeit politically incorrect) mantra to size-up the short-line just before the x-ray machine and circumvent those who either lack your conviction or velocity.

In short: tag along with businessmen and solo travelers, avoid older couples and families with strollers.

If you're able to avoid a random ‘get to know ya’ screening, a swift security visit without frisks or beeps — or the dreaded, “Sir, is this your bag?” — will allow you to lift your belongings in stride and advance towards the Disneyland portion of your journey, where food and drink are twice the price, artificial pleasantness is rampant, and nearly every paying customer is teetering between vacation-inspired release and a full-on mental breakdown.

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Aside from high-quality people watching, the post-security, pre-flight portion of your process is all about indulging in purposeful amenities.

If you’re planning on packing a nice pair of leather shoes, I always recommend wearing them for the actual travel portion of your trip, especially if your flight is shorter than a few hours. Why would you wear less comfortable shoes? Not only will this open up space in your carry-on and maintain the shape of your expensive footwear, as airports are some of the last places on earth where you still can still get a real-time shoe shine, you can partake in one of the few services still available to those with an appreciation for the finer things but without access to a private lounge.

Expanding further on the topic of haberdashery in transit: as a basic rule of thumb, if you’re packing formal attire, always wear your suit jacket or sport coat during travel.

Beyond looking and feeling dignified in a sea of schlubby sweatshirts, in keeping your most impactful fashion item outside of your suitcase, you’ll never again waste valuable time searching for a dry-cleaner at your destination or shelling out shekels for an overpriced hotel service. And when you eventually board your flight, simply lay your jacket neatly across the top of your and your neighbors’ items in the overhead compartment to ensure the integrity of your smooth, unwrinkled style.

Before going any further, it would be a betrayal of my own travel creed if I did not mention the crown jewel of airport amenities: the customary ritual of an airport beer.

The indulgence of a beer in every airport at any hour is right up there with every other well-timed, perfectly placed pint that should always be prioritized. As flights are a claustrophobic cluster-fuck of elbow touching, passive aggression, air-born pathogens, and phantom flatulence, I’ve found travel to be less miserable with a mild buzz, making a beer — and even an occasional bravery shot of something fierce before an overnight — all the more mandatory. I could dedicate an entire manifesto to the ritual and etiquette of drinking during air travel, but as time-reduction and survival are the core themes of this guide, I’ll simply provide the logic behind it.

Sitting down to sip and savor a local brew, time permitting, is a practical opportunity to charge your phone and download whatever entertainment you desire for your voyage from the friendly confines of an airport zone designated strictly for adults. Moreover, if you do partake in this side-quest, be sure to ask for the bill upfront with your order, pay as soon as you can, and have an easy exit strategy ready in case you’re notified of a last-minute gate change.

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When it comes to boarding, military veterans go first because they swore an oath to protect American lives. Unless you paid extra to swear a similar oath to American Airlines, chances are you don’t have priority boarding or extra leg room.

If that’s the case, kick back at your gate, relax, and wait for the very last opportunity to board. Beyond the fun perk of hearing your name mispronounced to the masses, once you finally reach the end of the sky bridge to receive your hand sanitizer at the top of the aisle, you’ll have your pick of whatever upgraded seat is still vacant.

"As the old adage goes: 'Apple AirPods each way will keep the anxiety away.'"

By that time, flight attendants will almost always rather that you conveniently stow your luggage towards the front of the plane, and as your flight will already be crunched for time, they won’t ask to check your seat assignment.

When you locate an upgraded seat, don’t think twice. Claim it, own it, sit in it.

If they sniff you out, play dumb and say you read the wrong boarding pass. Though some sticklers might catch on, I’ve found that a fancy jacket and a fresh shoe shine exudes just enough of that ‘exit row glow’ to fly under the radar and deliver your butt to the +$25 seat you deserve.

Flying with leg room is quite the revelation, but no flight is tolerable without personal entertainment. Though wifi and mobile apps have come a long way, in-flight entertainment services are too dicey for you to stake any trust in them, which is why you should always have something downloaded for travel. Privacy screens for your phone and computer are a simple, easy tech-add that’ll allow for the viewing of shows and movies “which may contain violence, nudity, and smoking” without corrupting the kid lurking between the seats behind you.

Most of all, if you haven’t already, join the AirPods Pro movement and pick-up a pair of the greatest travel accessory invented since the mobile charger. As the old adage goes: Apple AirPods each way will keeps the anxiety away. And considering you can fund your own pair with the $200+ you’ll eventually save from ditching baggage fees, it’s never been more affordable to attain the sublime power of drowning out the hysterical screams of every sobbing, convulsing toddler within earshot.

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Well, there you have it, Doris and friends. As full-frontal nudity and the gore of the ‘Red Wedding’ traumatize little Billy from your handheld device, and the noise-reduced thrum of the great steel bird dulls your senses, you can slip into a 30,000 ft snooze, flip to a playlist like “Tranquil Night Rain,” or ‘Chill Coffee House Jazz Vibez” to initiate your time-warp.

Revel in the magic of air travel without any trauma or PTSD seething from the amateurs around you, and if someone compliments you on your style and demeanor, do not scoff or hold these tips dear — send them this article, spread the gospel, show them the way.

Travel may never be what it once was, but so long as we — a somewhat intelligent species of animal — are still capable of adaptation, so too are we capable of forming new, good habits and adopting some much-needed finesse in the spirit of survival.

Do not allow rampant disruption to disrupt your right of mind or state of being.

Develop your own rehearsed rhythm, enjoy an airport beverage, revel in the relief of solace while en route, and arrive at your destination the way every modern traveler should...

Alive.